For Posterity

My life has never been glorious. True, it's never been exceptionally difficult... but it's never been as easy as it's seemed, either.

I was born the second son of an unwed mother- which in that day and age was a somewhat normal occurrence, but which still brings a small amount of shame unto me. For five years, I knew my father only through short visits which were won in a court battle which raged for the first two years of my life. During those two years, I spent quite a lot of time with my mother's mother, who's house we lived in until I was six.

When I did turn six, my parents had 'solved' all of their problems and decided to rent an apartment 'together.' Of course, it was my mother who paid most of the bills- my father was supporting not only his own mother with the help of his brother, my uncle Joe, but was also supporting Boston Tropical Fish and Reptiles (his pet store) and his outrageous obsession with animals (this was the time period where we constantly had dozens of snakes and lizards in the house, along with three fish tanks- two of which were salt-water). For seven years, my mother, my father, my brother and I coexisted in that lavish apartment. Most often, my brother received preferential treatment while I was consistently abused in one form or another, be it having been thrown backwards into a recliner because my brother had hit my back and I couldn't feel my legs or having myself devalued by my father's insistence that listening to a song for the tenth time was more important than listening to what I had to say. Regardless of all things, we were never uncomfortable in terms of finances, and I enjoyed after-school visits to my father's mother's house and weekends with my mother's mother. I loved my grandmothers very much; they were the parents that I didn't have, and my parents were the negligent relatives I never wanted.

When I was twelve, my mother's mother died. I believe a backstory is needed here.
My mother's mother lived in a two-story house with one of her ten sons. At the time, another of her sons was living on the front porch; I forget the reason. Her bedroom was right off of the kitchen. Normally, my grandmother woke up at six AM, and my mother would drop by after she dropped my brother and I off at school to take her for coffee. That morning, my grandmother hadn't woken up, and neither of her sons- who lived in the house- had checked on her. She was in her bed for hours, presumably unconscious, until my mother made her way to her house and called an ambulance. She'd had a heart attack.
She spent a while in Mass General before she transferred to another facility in some city that I've forgotten the name of. She never got her voice back from the time that she was admitted. She lived out her last few days hooked up to machines, voiceless and without hearing because the 'doctors' hadn't noticed that she needed a hearing aid.
I did not go to the hospital the day before she died. My mother says that she pointed out the window. She thought that my grandmother meant she was going to leave soon, and I guess that in one sense, she did- just not in the way that my mother had hoped. My grandmother, the woman from who's head I had once ripped a chunk of hair for insulting my father (and oh how right she was), the woman who had scratched at a scratch-and-sniff sticker with a pen, the woman who had been pickled-tink and squeezably fresh, had died.
What followed was an ordeal that I can't even begin to remember. My grandmother's estate was divided amongst eleven greedy, ungrateful children, two of whom had let her rot in her bedroom and nine of whom had virtually abandoned her once at the first chance they got. My mother didn't vie for a piece of her mother's legacy; she took a framed photo of herself, my grandmother and my older brother, and she never looked back.

When I was thirteen, my father's mother died. My father's mother had lived in a palatial three-storied house with a basement and an immense backyard. One afternoon, she told my father that her chest was hurting her, so he left work and took her to the hospital. He got her a wheelchair and told her to wait while he parked the car, but she walked herself into the hospital without him. She had a massive heart attack during her examination. Apparently, she hadn't been taking her medication for weeks. No one knows why, because she never woke up... at least, not enough to communicate. She spent a few days in a semi-unconscious state, hooked up to machines,barely alive... and then she was gone. I saw her once in the hospital. That was it. I couldn't stand to be there, I didn't want to accept that she could be like that so soon after my mother's mother had been in the same position, only she was so much better- she could communicate, she could see, but my father's mother didn't show any signs of recognition.
I learned long after she died that she'd been suicidal after my grandfather had died. I don't think that suicidal is the right word though; I could never imagine her being that bad... I can imagine her without hope. I can imagine anyone without hope, because I was without hope for so long after she died that it seems impossible that there can be a man alive today with a shred of hope left to lose.
She had been the Arbiter. She had been fairness incarnate. She had been so much more like a mother to me than my own mother had the power to be, and I don't think that there's a person in this world beside myself who can understand how or why that doesn't lessen my mother's place so much as it heightens my grandmother's. She was where I hid when my parents argued, which was ever so frequently... She had been my only refuge. And she was gone.

Shortly after my grandmother died, we began the process of moving ourselves out of the apartment that had been our home for so many years. We didn't have to make sacrifices- my grandmother's house... or, more appropriately, my father's house was only a short drive away. And we had a week to move everything there, and more than enough space to keep it since my parents planned on throwing out just about everything that had belonged to my grandmother, even going so far as to rip off the wallpaper and replace the front-room window. Like I said, we didn't have to make sacrifices... but I did. I had to, I mean. I wasn't a child anymore. At thirteen years old, I had lost my safety net. I'd lost my hope, I'd lost my direction... In short, I'd lost my mind. I'd shut down, and an inactive boy doesn't need reminders of his past. I threw out toys that I'd had since I was a baby. I threw out Baby Chick, my first stuffed animal, and I threw out my Blankie. I remember a night when I'd thought I was old enough to do that; I'd left the two of them at my mother's mother's house while I spent the night with my father. The end result was that I burst into hysterical tears, forcing my father to drive across town in the middle of the night to get them for me. But I wasn't a child anymore, so they went out with the trash, and I've regretted that decision ever since I made it.
We finally got ourselves to my father's house, and everything changed. The walls were repainted, the furniture was thrown to the curb and replaced, my grandmother's bed was shoved into the shed, my parents took the master bedroom while my brother and I shared my father's old room- my uncle was still living with us. We weren't as financially stable as we were before, so my parents argued constantly. I realized that I hated my father- it's because of him that I have more scars than anyone is entitled to having. Yelling sets me to shivering, slamming spurs me into dissociative episodes, rage causes blackouts, and I don't know how to deal with my anger in a constructive manner.
Somehow, everything going on in my life unlocked some portion of my mind, and my genius erupted forth. Where once I'd been an average student, I was now unspeakably bored by my As. Math, English, Science- it didn't matter, I mastered it with ease. I became a social being; where before I'd had only three friends, I was now the acquaintance of most everyone in my class, and where once I'd been petrified to speak to teachers, I was now having discussions with them on a daily basis.

Eventually, I realized that I was gay. To be honest, I knew that I was gay when I was twelve. I just didn't accept it as reality until after an arduous road, littered with the waste of things that I'd rather not remembered and lost in a drunken haze. What did I do? I don't remember. Did I like it? At the time, I suppose I had to have. Would I ever- I won't even finish the question because the answer is no.
I came out. First to Ashley, the girl to whom I had proclaimed my love. Then to the people who I actually cared about- my closest friends, Colton, Rob and DJ. They didn't much like it, but the fact that I still consider them friends shows that they actually deserve the title.
Eventually, I came out to my mother, who came out to my brother and father for me against my wishes. What followed was the most harsh form of mental abuse that a human could possibly endure; I underwent patronization from my brother, shunning by my father, and clumsy attempts at brain washing from my mother. I was insulted, I was belittled, I was disbelieved, I was consistently the target of personal attacks, and I heard the five words that I was secretly dreading most, the five words which ripped a hole in my chest and practically killed me by themselves. "What would your grandmother think." Does it matter which one? They'd both been better parents to me than my biological donors had been, which made it exceptionally insulting that my mother had been the one to ask it.
For a while, my life had collapsed. I put on a brave face when I went to school, and it drooped a bit by the end of the day when I was with my friends- but they always picked me up when I fell, bless them all.
Sadly, this was when David entered my life. For a long time, I couldn't talk about David without wanting to slash something, be it his throat or my wrists, but I think that I'm healthy enough to say that he was my personal Devil.

Eventually, I began to see a therapist. Well, I began to see three therapists to be honest; the first one I disliked and the second one I cancelled the appointment with, so I ended up seeing my mother's old therapist who I'd actually met as a child. Georgia Green.
Georgia saved my life. I feel comfortable saying this, because it's entirely true; had it not been for her, I would have killed myself and been happy to do it. No, it wasn't all her- I had help from teachers who I consider to be friends, and friends who I consider to be teachers, and to be honest, I'm still fighting the battle... but I'm still here, and that's a victory in and of itself I think.
One morning, I paged her. She called me immediately after, and the first thing I said to her was, "I'm too depressed," which was perfectly true; I'd just had my parents issue a chins on me, which essentially marked me as a problem child because I was depressed, and David had just 'dumped' me for the first time, and was continuing to fuck with my head. What followed was a car ride to the Mass General in Chelsea, during which I endured my father yelling at my mother and insulting me as much as he possibly could in between screaming at 'bad drivers.' I talked to Georgia. I talked to a second therapist. I endured another ride with my parents to Mass General in Boston, where I would be admitted. On the way, there was of course more yelling and accusations. In the waiting room, there were only sly remarks, accusations and quiet insults. In the room with the therapist at Mass General, there was more yelling, insults and false accusations, this time accompanied by outright lies.
The end result was that I found myself in a mental ward for two weeks. I was put on Prozak and Chlonopin. I was actually happy, and I was sleeping again.
Reenter David, reopen Pandora's Box. I'll save you the long description; a few months of sanity, 'happy' relationship, crap piled up, hospital for a week and a half. Mind, all this long time, my school performance has been suffering; I've now missed a month due to hospitalizations, atleast three times that due to extenuating circumstances, I've stopped doing homework and I can't focus in class (even though I'm still aceing the tests)... My life was a trainwreck at this point.

Let's fast forward a bit here. I clean up my act; I manage to accidentally cut David out of my life (best accident since onion rings), I clean up my act without the use of antidepressants, and it's a new school year. Sure, I was held back, but at least I get a second chance at it.
And then my parents decide that it's time to move to Florida. 1,500mi away from the friends who gave me a reason to live long enough to get to the therapist who convinced me to exist and meet the people who gave me purpose, right at the start of my actual recovery from the depths of insanity.
... Since that point forward, I've once again shut down, only this time, there hasn't been anyone to force me into action, and I can't do it myself. For the past two years, I've been uselessly enduring continued insults, accusations and assertations that I am indeed useless. I've weathered countless arguments between my parents, I've lost everything that I held dear in any sense of the word, and to be perfectly honest, I forget what it feels like to be in the company of another human being.
Ain't life grand?

The World Behind The World

I live in more complex a reality than most people are capable of understanding, let alone acknowledging the existence of without severely shaking their faith in their own reality.

First and foremost, the matter of coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences; if something happens, then it happens for a reason. True, there are other people who have put a name to this phenomenon- be it Fate or God, it 'controls' us in an inescapable, inexplicable and impossible manner... But I don't believe that we're controlled by it, nor do I believe that it's an immortal, sentient being or consciousness pulling the strings of we puppets upon this momentary stage with all of its razzle-dazzle. In my belief, all facets of human interaction are subtly directed by the human subconscious, which itself is a metaphysical collection of the minds of humans from every plane of existence and every moment in time, both past and present.
On a day-to-day basis, most people would find this philosophy to be rather... unimportant. "Hurray," the average man would say; "We're being directed by an all-knowing amalgamation of subconscious thought. Well, that's all fine and dandy- but how's that going to help me any?"
To be perfectly honest, it wouldn't help the average man or woman in their day-to-day lives. It's a rather unimportant revelation which most people would find utterly useless. But for some people, the knowledge that there is indeed a reason behind the enigmas is reason enough to continue on, and for still others who are capable of tapping into the primordial strands in their mind, this epiphany grants them untold understanding, the ability to decipher the links and understand the reasons.

In essence, this is the portion of my reality which seems to be most prevalent at the moment. I keep asking myself, "Why now?" Why now has John decided not to let me know what's happening? Why now do I seem to be graced with such insurmountable odds and cursed with such glorious blessings? Why now, after almost four years, do I truly care about another human being- nonetheless one who's fifteen-hundred miles away?
Why now?

A time for everything and everything its place

I've blocked myself off from humanity almost entirely.
How many times have I done this? How many times have I said that I've done this? How much does anyone really care anymore?

When I'm closed off from communication for a while, my mind eventually wanders back in time to January 2007 and the thoughts that I had on the ride down to this hell hole- most likely because that was the last time I had a viable thought, one which was virtually a tangible entity hovering alongside the Mountaineer as it barreled down the highway with the U-Haul in tow. And the most prevalent thought of that time period had to do with my then-developing nomadic mindset.
I don't have a home. I have a house here, food and shelter, that enigmatic emotion known as 'love'... There are houses in Massachusetts where I can find food and shelter, perhaps even more obvious marks of that enigma... And I have no doubt that there are houses elsewhere that I could find food, shelter, and even 'love' in one form or another. I'm certain I have more people that I could help, more wrongs that I could right abroad, and I don't believe that my well-being would suffer much given that I'm perfectly capable of living for days and weeks on end with little to no food, am perfectly oblivious to the elements and have a weak grasp on the concepts of time and space.

Do we ever know when we'll get to where we need to be? Do we ever truly find ourselves, or do we rely on the Wheres, the Whens and the Whos to tell us?

Aqueous

Innocence. What is it? Is anyone really innocent? Even children carry the sin of parasitism, at least in my belief; they feed off of the mother for nine months and throw her entire body into disarray.

'Hark, what light through yonder window breaks!'

My mind isn't in any state of order at the moment. I'm not entirely sure what it is that causes this to happen, but it does this every so often; it's almost as if I came complete with a faulty self-destruct mechanism.
I've cut myself off from... society? Have I been in touch with society? I don't believe I was, but I've cut myself off from whatever portion of society that I may have been in contact with.

There are the days that I just want to curl into a ball, roll myself into a hole and die. Die, rot, decay and fester, and at the very least know that there's a chance that some beautiful thing might bloom from my remains.
Then there are the days when I want to cuddle up next to some faceless Somebody on a cold marble floor in front of a roaring fire. I feel as if I miss it, but who have I ever cuddled up next to?
Then there are the other days, the ones that I pine for. The days when my hands demand to write, to work ceaselessly on my novel-in-progress and to amend portions of the story that I never quite knew were broken.
Then come the days of lethargy, where all that I want to do is sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep until the world darkens and humanity dies, until my mind is my own.

I'm afraid. I'm petrified of the fact that I might just be as useless as I think that I am.

What am I living for? What are we waiting for? The time is now.
Time for what? The hands on the clock face turn.
Droves of doves and groves of grubs.
Someone needs to say something about the pandas!
For the children!

Momentary, Transitory

Watching the flow of the world from the safety of my cage; that's what my purpose seems to be. I stare blankly out into the world and watch it turn... Sure, I have my hand in the actions of a few of the players- but truth be told, all that anyone ever does is respond to my expressions and my reactions. I'm the audience, through and through. I may even have an actor's heart- but the game never ends and he's certainly too dedicated to it to give it all up and sit with me on the sidelines. Everyone always is.

I try with all of my might to avoid self-pity. I don't complain nearly as often as I could, and even when I do I refuse to accept pity, refuse to accept sorrow.
... But life sucks. And I'm tired of hearing other peoples' complaints when they say that life is too much, when they have gripes about friends or family or circumstances, because I would give my world to experience their lives for a single day. I've sat here in a state of useless for two years now; you're out in the world, making differences and influencing actions.
You know what it's like to feel someone else touching you, to hear someone that you care about in person, to have the God damned sunlight on your face. What do I know? I know shadows; I know sorrow; I know nothing.
You have a reason to live, no matter how negligible you think that it is. You have someone to care about you, no matter who the hell you are. What do I have? I have shadows; I have sorrow; I have nothing.



"The innermost feelings I have: this life isn't doing it for me anymore. Just how tired can a person feel, anyway? June in Massachusetts... but I'm still the winter-frost on the windows I approach. I breathe into the glass and write, "No one was here." It is the most true statement that I will ever write. No one was here. No one has been here. No one will ever be here. Who are we anyway? We are... no one. I am your god, No One. Praise me, No One. My words read like the Bible that No One reads...

"What a poor excuse of social commentary!" the people say. No One shakes his head at me. No One shakes his head at No One. "What a silly boy!" No One says.

Pick a Title for your life. You will repeat many exchanges, hellos and goodbyes - but which trite line will be the chosen No One? Are you a Hello or a Goodbye?

No One is a Goodbye. (That would be me.)"
-Rachael Spatafore

That dreaded word, 'Coincidence'

There are events in this life that we as humans refer to as coincidence: two friends finding out that they share an important date; lovers calling each other at the same moment; a mother and a son making the same turn in their home and walking into each other. Even more alarming are the days when the entire world seems intent on making you aware of some little-known fact or some miscellaneous piece of trivia, or perhaps even the days when events all seem to come together to create a sense of euphoria or to tear you down and crush your Soul all at once. We call these things coincidence because, for all intents and purposes, that is all that we could understand them to be. If there is a greater power in the Cosmos, then we must be assured that It will look over the flows of Fate and Time, while understanding and accepting that the daily activities of a innumerable species such as our own are fully unplanned and destined to repeat and coalesce in coincidental ways. After all, there are only so many faces for the cast of our lives; eventually, they will overlap.

Personally, I don't believe in coincidence. I think that it's idiotic to assume that there's any form of a consciousness- call it God, call it Allah, call it Tsel- that has the power to maintain the structure and reason of the Cosmos, while being incapable of overseeing the flow of our lives in some form or another. Because of that, I've lived my life fully unaware of the concept of coincidence; I've followed up on every possible lead and I've found myself in interesting positions which I can't for a moment claim were in any way pointless. Because of my disbelief in coincidence, I have met great people, made astounding friends, and picked my way through the unrealistic circumstances of what life I've had.

At the moment, I'm staring down Fate once more. I'm tempting 'coincidence' and I'm finding myself speechless; cogs are turning because I refuse to accept the reality that I've been handed. I can't say much, mainly because it's impossible to put the sensation into words. It's as if the entire Cosmos is realigning itself, as if time and space are becoming even more fragile and reality is warping; it's undescribable, both painful and pleasureable, the sweetest of sorrows and the most chaotic of melodies...
Suffice it to say, I will know where I belong in short order. I will have a reason to be there, and I will have a reason to stay. I have the utmost faith in that.

Resolution

I have a horrible habit of developing an interest in people who, for all intents and purposes, see me as little more than intriguing, a thing of momentary interest and perhaps temporary care. This is why I've only technically been in one relationship, which worked together with the general collapse of my life to land me in two mental hospitals to receive treatment for severe depression; this is why I am consistently lonely.
Why am I attracted to such abrasive individuals? There are a multitude of possible reasons: I've an older brother who would treat me as something akin to a toy when I was younger; I've a father who has treated me as if I were a waste of space for longer than I can remember; I've dangerously low self-esteem and a desire to be 'dominated' as it were. The only thing I know for certain is that I am a masochist, and I respond positively to negative reinforcement such as rejection.

My resolution for this new year is to work towards boosting my self-esteem with the specific intent of giving myself a chance to enter into a healthy relationship.